Depriving Myself Of What If's

Hi. This is me again. I'm back for good. As promised, I'll continue my story posted entitled Us. After my being AWOL for two years I want to post something that is quite personal for me, an experience or rather about myself I really want to share.

Note: If you really want to read this, don't expect too much. Read the disclaimer.

I WROTE THIS AT 2 AM IN THE MORNING LAST YEAR OF THE SAME DAY. THE EMOTIONS THAT I FELT WAS RAW, SO READ IT WITH AN OPEN-MIND.

Life's really full of ups and downs, of decisions, of not taking opportunities that soon be your biggest mistake. Life's about how you deal with it, if you enjoy living it to fullest or sulk inside waiting for the change that isn't happening any time soon. But then, you can never write your life story, you only get to deal with it.

I know things would have been good if:

1. I'm not afraid of taking risks.

2. I don't get my hopes up.

I am a person with sensitive feelings. I have this mask that is strong in the outside but really I was hurting deep inside. I'm a strong-willed person yet I hide my disappointments deep inside. I am that kind of girl who carries loads of burden in my heart and buried it there, I'm afraid of voicing out my feelings because I'm scared of two things, namely: Rejection and petty judgment. I don't like being judged for what I am not and be accepted for who they want me to be.

People get a lot of expectations, and I fell miserably with expecting. I was crushed of judgment. There are those times that what others say really offended me and I was so affected, I became who I am really not just to please others. But I learned the hard way. My friends betrayed my trust. I was a fool girl in high school that fake friends came to me because they need me of my help with school stuff they don’t know how to answer and material things that came with me, since I like to share my blessings. I was once a hopeful girl, a hopeless romantic and a crazy girl who don't know what I was saying because they don't think like me. People who knew me by my name think they know me, but it was only a half of it, but clearly they don't really know my story. I refused to let my guard down. I was hated and I was okay with it. Or I pretended I don't care but I was screaming inside my head.

My sister teases me why I’m in my early 20s lady with no boyfriend ever and none want to take my hand in marriage. If you’re confused, why there’s such an expectation of marriage at an early age; it’s because of in my family tradition kids are betrothed by their own parents so that they can ensure a better life. I am one of those who refuse to be tied to a guy I barely know just for the sake of my future. I can live by myself without relying to anyone. So, my sister keep on bugging me why? I have answers for that which is my "WHAT IF". Yeah, you read it right. I have my own "What would happen if?”

Lately, I've realized why things happen for a reason. It's because we choose a path that will keep us on either regret or happiness.

I am girl of faith, really. The youngest of my family. I am the only unmarried, still in school and finance-dependent. But that doesn't mean I indulge on material things. I am a Papa's daughter, so I look up to him. I learned so much from my parents because I don't want my life to be jaded. In short I'm careful.

I have 'almost' fell in love with my best friend but then whenever we'll give each other a chance, it was either we were far from each other or we get into this childish fight, either he teases me or I don't talk to him at all. 

So in my failed attempt to actually fall in love, I ran away from my emotions that resurfaces in me. I hid it. And when things have been okay, he came back and the friendship we have was strong I really care for him. We've known each other for a long time. We were best friend for 4 years, and he confessed his feelings for me for 6 long years. So maybe we aren't really meant to be because we fall apart from each other because of a miscommunication. I ended up getting hurt and that's my almost love story ended. We were mutual but I was scared to be impulsive and he was so deep in love with me it became a disaster. I still care for him but it wasn't the same.

But, where did I go wrong? Why did we stop talking like we used to? It must be me, doing stupid things to make someone stay away from me when I'm starting to like him back, I push him. All those guys who liked me would have been my "almost", but I chose to guard myself from being in too deep.

I don't have a plague, for you to avoid. It's my way of protecting me from getting hurt. That's the reason why I've never had my heart broken, that's me being blessed enough to know who can chase me running, see my quirks, understand me and stay. Yet no one was brave enough.

Maybe I'm just one of those who are afraid of feeling pain, heartbreaks or regrets. I've had enough bad moments of things I wish that never happened, of decisions that led to disappointments and making things worse instead of fixing it.

I am scared of taking risks, giving chances and then my get my hopes up then only to get disappointed. I learned the hard way which is, never trust anyone with your secrets and don't let anyone fool you, use you and take advantage of your kindness. Some have tendencies of those who are easy to be manipulated. 

My what if's of love, heartaches, rejections, failed love stories and hopes that were shattered to pieces only prove me that my hardships and curve balls  made me of who I am. I learn to self-realize with my experiences that there are things school, professors and a college degrees don't teach: And it's how you deal with your misfortunes prove you wrong of your doubts. I was free from my thoughts of disapproval to my self. I used to think that not achieving my goals will make me of less worthy. It prove me that only you can change how you want your life to flow. Clearly, change is inevitable; same with time but you either use your time in life to change for you to grow into a respectable individual of your own making. I stand with my beliefs of everything. I stick with my instinct, and I refuse to be one of those regretful person when I get old. I want to stand firm, to be independent and not wanting someone to fight my battles.

I want to live happily, not needing to be unsure of what future holds because I choose to believe and regret of what-ifs.

Sincerely yours,

Naya <3

I hope you learn something in my first blog post after being missing-in-action. That's all, thank you.